Locked in a Coma

I lay on the ground unable to move, my chest feels as if someone has riped out my heart and started a fire in my chest leaving me bleeding and broken. It’s a task just to breath in and out. In the distance I hear a voice…..it sounds familiar but I block it out. The whole world is silent as I cry over due tears that burn my face like lemon in a fresh cut. As I gasp for breath I lose all hope of geting up. I finally give up when I hear that damn voice again. “Can’t they just leave me alone and let me die in peace.” I whisper to myself.

When I would wake up in my head, I had no idea as to what had happened. I’m fully conscious, I know that I’m me, but I can’t open my eyes, I can’t move a muscle and I can’t speak. The first time it happened was terrifying. I started to panic and for a minute there, I thought I might be dead. Then I realized that I was thinking, so that didn’t seem right. I tried to move and couldn’t. I tried to speak and couldn’t. I tried to scream and couldn’t. This feeling of helplessness was so obnoxious.

I opened my eyes and the first thing that struck my eyes were the huge white curtains moving slowly back and forth due to the wind blowing. I tried to memorize where I was and how did I reach here? As soon as I saw the clock hung above the curtains it showed 6:02 pm. It was evening and I had no idea how I woke up so late. The beep-beep sound of pulse monitor broke the silence in the room. I scanned all the objects in the room and realised that I was in the hospital ICU. For a while I was thinking what happened to me? I wanted to call Dad and ask him what was happening. So I tried to get up but I couldn’t even move my hands or fingers. My feet were cold too. My body felt stiff but numb. I wanted to shout out loud but everything I was willing to do was turning into epic fail.

Soon the nurse entered and she saw me awake. She rushed out and called doctors to examine me. I was relieved to see Dad when he entered the ICU, but he was sobbing and something was wrong which I couldn’t understand at that point. After a while doctor said that I am in coma and the damage is done already. Obviously I couldn’t understand the medical terms used by the doctors but I knew what lead to this destruction.

I closed my eyes just to recall the biggest tragedy of my life: It was 1 am and everybody was dead asleep. I went to the kitchen searched here and there and located the plastic bag which had all the medicines. I opened it and took out all the sleeping pills. I was very nervous at first because this didn’t seem relevant to escape the pain that was whirling inside me. But my mind had already decided to die. So I gulped all the pills and they were approximately 100 in nos.. I had no idea what mistake I just did. But within minutes my body felt different. My eyes were burning and body was heating up. My head was spinning and it began getting heavy. My legs felt weak and I kneeled down to support my body. I tried crawling to my parents room as I knew I was gonna faint. My heart was throbbing very fastly and the beat was shaking every nerve of my body. Dad was half asleep when he first saw me nearby his rooms door. He rushed towards me as I collapsed on the ground recklessly. Next moment I opened my eyes I saw myself tied to the bed in the ICU.

Dad sat nearby me with his watery eyes and murmured all words of consolation to me. But deep inside I knew he was consoling himself and not me as he was worried as a parent but cared as a friend for me. He was the biggest supporter of my life and I was sad that I was the reason behind his tears. I never saw him crying so much ever in these 18 years. I knew I was very precious to him and I regretted behaving like this.

I wanted to hug him tightly and apologise but I couldn’t so I just laid there on the bed crying and expressing my love for him. My world was crashing down as I was hurting all the people who loved me genuinely just to escape the feeling of depression which made me commit suicide always.

After all the attempts of killing myself, I still ended up surviving with this pain. I just thought that physical pain will make me forget the emotional pain. And that’s what lead me to this coma.

I was locked in this world of coma where I was just as good as a corpse. I observed everything going around me and the only thing that grabbed my attention was my dads face. His eyes turned red because of the stress and all the sleepless nights he spent crying just for me. I was extremely sorry but couldn’t help with it. I regretted my each and every move till now and cursed myself for not being a good daughter despite of having such great loving parents.

At midnight my mind starts wandering…..I don’t know why I’m thinking so hard tonight. Why am I talking to myself so loud? Why is my soul becoming darker? Why is silence echoing all around? I was laying on bed staring blankly at the white walls, remembering the golden memories of my rusted past. Was all this really worth it? Was this really destined to happen? Then why do bad things happen to good people? So many questions were revolting in my tiny yet tender mind and the answer I received was just the silence!

I was quite but was speaking a lot in my mind. There will come a day when you’ll realize that darkness has consumed you for too long and pain has made a home in a body that is better suited for light and this is the day you will truly begin to heal.

You are not the sum of your heartbreaks.

You are strong but not unbreakable

Forgive the cracks in your heart.

Here goes nothing..

We’re just souls lost inside a set of bones and a beating heart. There comes a point in life, where at 2am, you’re mind is not able to find your soul. Tears don’t rush out because you’re too empty to let them out. So you just sit there staring at the wall, numb like you can’t feel a thing inside. Nothing scares you anymore. You aren’t afraid of darkness anymore because your soul is much darker. You aren’t afraid of the silence, because the silence inside your mind is deafening. You don’t loose your mind when you see demons anymore, because you’ve been taming them inside you all your life. So you just sit there and stare blankly at the walls, watch your entire world crumble in front of you, and you can’t feel a thing, because you’ve died inside many many many years ago. And then you drink until the bottle is emptier than you. It’s the kind of pain that no tears and no words could put together. You feel empty, not because your heart has been broken into pieces, a million pieces rather, but because each of those pieces still beat for the person who broke them. Your life is a silent tornado, that is steadily destroying only your soul and your mind. But you don’t really know. Look around you and just see. Happy faces but sad eyes. And these eyes speak of the sadness and the pain no words would ever be able to. They never lie. You don’t know if the person right beside you has a heart that’s breaking. You don’t know if they cry themselves to sleep at night. You don’t know if they’re hurting all over or struggling to keep a smile. And that’s just the thing. You don’t know. The demons inside are raging inside of your skin forcing themselves to come out. And this time, you may just let them win out of your skin.
But then someday my mind seems to wander, and I think. What a mess humans ourselves have created. What is the point of it all? Everything begins to exist and then fades one day. And that’s just that. You’re breathing but barely even alive. You go through all this tremendous pain and all this struggle and then just one fine day, you cease to exist like it didn’t mean a thing. Then what is the point of it all?
The point is the struggle. Because it makes you who you are. It doesn’t define who you are. It’s just a part of your story, not your entire story. Let me explain this in the simplest possible way. A black worthless chunk of carbon becomes a diamond under high pressure. That’s what you are. A diamond. You’re a diamond after everything you’ve gone through. So just shine. Shine bright like a diamond. And be beautiful, like diamonds in the sky. Don’t ever let anyone second guess that, not even yourself. Hope. Hope that better days are yet to come. Because if you keep hope alive, it will keep you alive. Make wishes at 11:11pm. Wear your pyjamas backward in hope of a snow day. Look for answers at the bottom of a bottle. Pretend that writing things on your arms makes you special. Believe in anything. Believe in everything. Open every book and look around every corner. You’ll never look like this or move like this or think like this again. Enjoy it while it lasts or hate every second. But feel. Feel every damn thing.

HIM & HER

She was glitter and his heart was gold.They had glitches as they were antagonists. Unlike all the fables they were the contraries of one stride. For them to merge,was like a cold day in hell. He was an ocean; very deep,quiet, esoteric,passionate and full of rising vibes yet lovable.While she was like rain; Thundering, dark,obsecure essential,ardent yet tender.
Nonetheless they became a perfect duo with all their flaws and it seemed like forever.
Their worlds united and lightened with no darkness around. They had an unusual tale;a tale that blossomed like sunlit flowers and the warmth between them just like those cold pretty Sunday mornings. Theybecame one so to that extent that one can even live on glimpse of other. She said “he was the best guy with best eyes” and he knew she was only his, the best girl with the best smile. She said “we are imperfectly perfect” as she thought she will write and he would sing with his guitar and they had all that they loved.
Nonetheless fate retorted them, as it does to all the happy times and there was nothing they could turn to do except just to see it retort and rend apart it all.
Tonight she lies wide awake under the moonless sky with her world shattered and apart. His deep brown eyes still has her lost somewhere in its depth. Her soul is still intertwined with his body and her lost smile still crippled yet always tender for him. She has no conscience whatsoever about what is it called? ‘Heartbreak’ say the books; ‘incompatibility’ says the world; ‘truth’ say their friends. But unconditional power of love -that’s what she believes, though it wasn’t supported by fate. It happens only once,maybe to everybody but just once and when that once becomes your past,this once is enough to devastate your world and rip your heart apart forever and . Behind all those shown fake smiles and the gap that lies between what’s gone and present; lies those red tears,stripped dreams,wrists full of blood, deep scars and a soul, a soul that fears people. These emotions behave like a tumor. Once you have chemo it masks the state and shams you,them suddenly you realize it was never gone. The void still rests there and demands to be felt. The wounds still fresh and deep as they were 200 days ago and the memories though bruised, remain as they were 1000 days ago.
Still somewhere , down inside there’s hanging a hope,a hope thats dangling by a string,a hope known that it is false,a hope that shouldn’t be but still its there and it will be there. She prays those eyes will smile one day and he hopes,that smile stops crying. She has a belief that someday he will sing and he knows that she will write for him.
Beliefs and hopes,that are what the world lives on everyday,prays for inspite through the realities.
Now this thing seems too ordinary when its not. Not always is love killed by miles and this time it really hasn’t and it just grew more adjustable yet deep. They lay Apart in bodies but merged are their souls. They aren’t together but some things just don’t die,and how can it die this time when it is not even a thing.
Today he knows that he has his glitter and it will always be his and she stole the gold heart and they parted forever….

Love in disguise!

There are times in life when you are confused about letting go and holding on a little longer. Moving out of a relationship has never been a cakewalk. Often you get a feeling to try harder and you have an apprehension that your partner might hold grudges for a lifetime if you are the first to leave.But what’s more dangerous, is giving yourself deep wounds in the process of giving your relationship one last try. However bitter it might sound but we all need to live up to the fact that if it’s not working it’s not working. Maybe you two were not destined to be together.

You always keep on chasing your partner and never get the expected response. You start feeling bad about yourself and find it hard to cherish anything in your life. Even after being together for so long, you always have a feeling of being incomplete. If that’s what you are going through, it’s a sheer waste of time, break up. The sooner the better.

When you no longer cherish spending time with your partner and the two of you have nothing to talk, it clearly means your relationship is out of fuel. When in love, you just can’t get enough of your partner. So, don’t hold onto someone for the fear of missing them or being lonely..

No one stays sad or lonely forever.. Nothing and no one is permanent..

A Rage of Ambition

You are never too old to dream..
Never too tired to admire,
Because what you are aiming at is more than just your desire
It’s your AMBITION
You are ambitious when you know what is your passion.What drives you crazy.. Crazy in a way you cannot live without it!
Passion isn’t what you are good at! Passion is what earns you happiness. It is what you can do whole day,everyday,all the time yet you never get exhausted. Because you breathe happiness. Yes dear you LIVE your passion.
Passion is the first step to your ambition.. Recognize what you are made for.Recognize what is your worth. Recognize who YOU are!
There is only one you because there is no one like you.. You are the only unique one designed to battle for the passion embedded inside you. Allow yourself to dream beyond your imagination. Crawl out from your cocoon of risks.. And grab opportunities life thrives you in. Chances enhances your level of opportunities. Loosenup and fly beyond those skies. Set yourself free from the familiar boundaries. Success doesn’t come overnight. But dream does. Dreaming enhances your ability to workhard with more determination than ever..
Dreaming leads you to your ambition. Don’t just dream big or high.Dream to discover the untold parts of you, dream to discover your passion.. Because my dear, passion is the key to ambition. Don’t worry if you don’t know what you are doing right now with your life or what your future will be. Don’t just focus on your future. Future is deprived of time. Don’t ruin time by wasting it in thinking about what will happen and what not. You just have one life. Never give yourself a chance to think that I wish I could have done that or I wish that person was me. NO! You are a whole different creature meant for a whole different purpose. Don’t try to be someone else.You are the best version of YOU.
YOU are the result of your failed explorations.
You are meant to achieve your ambition, your passion, your dream.
You are meant to LIVE your ambition and not just dream!! ☺️
YOU JUST LIVE ONCE. So just live that once the best ❤️ make that ONE life your best life.
Live not to breathe
but to dream.
Live amply.

Fight for YOU

This world is a nasty place crafted beautifully to live in.
You face criticism, hatred, pain,betrayal, heartbreaks… You face it all!

This world judges you and keeps on testing you and your abilities to live on this planet.
People will try to break you and give immense pain to you. They will exaggerate your clothes, your face, your hair, your life and Ultimately YOU! So does that end your life? Does that break you apart?
Nothing and noone chooses to decide why, How, with whom and till when you live!
Don’t let anybody else give verdict for you! Don’t let anybody else choose your fate for you!
Its You who is the custodian of your life. You just don’t rule your life but you Live it.
Learn to trust yourself first.
Learn to love yourself first before lending your heart to someone else.
Learn to fight;
Fight for your dreams, your choices, your passion and your life
Fight for YOU! 🖤
So defeat your fears and not your haters.

Be fierce
Be fearless
Baby girl,
you are a lioness ☺️❤️ ❤️

ME time

Do you ever just feel like cutting off the whole world and going into Hibernation for few months just to attain that peace and “ME” time with yourself??